Flood of Tears

I've been holding it together pretty well these past few weeks, but tonight, I was talking to Jakob on the phone, and he was pretending to make his animals talk to me, and they all had different voices, and he's never done that before, and I just broke down.

I am missing so much.

I wish more than anything that I could go back to my normal life. Why is that too much to ask for? Instead, I'm here trying not to make a sound, while the tears pour out of my face. I am heartsick and homesick, and I don't know how much longer I can deal with this.

I asked Jason if he was going to come see me tomorrow, and he reminded me that he works tomorrow. Jakob is going to my parents at 12pm. All I wanted was time with my little guy, and it seemed like for that to happen, I was going to have to deal with mid-fight tension from my mother. That made me cry even more, and I could barely get out the words. Jason said he would bring Jake by in the morning, with Cars, so the three of us can sit in my bed and watch it. God, I miss my family.

I can`t remember the last time *I* put Jakob to bed on my own, without someone there to help. When was the last time I carried him upstairs, bathed him, tickled him and chased him around the house. When was the last time I made dinner, or breakfast? Is he going to remember this? Does it bother him that Mommy is at the hospital all the time? I know he misses me, he breaks my heart every time he tells me, unprompted, "I miss you so much, Mommy".

Ah, I am going to eat my sandwich and read my book and try not to think about everything I'm missing. I want the bleeding to stop, completely. I want little Miss to perform on all her nsts this week, and I want the AFIs and Dopplers to be great. I don't want anymore contractions. I want to go HOME. Even if it means having to drive back to the hospital every three days. God, I just want to go home.

:(