8:00pm Saturday

I wish I knew when Ellie was going to come, or need to come, so that I could just go home and wait. I'd promise to come back in plenty of time to get the IV hooked up for the gbs antibiotics. I would arrive ready for action.

But, the world doesn't work like that. Maybe it will when Ellie is grown and having children of her own. God, I hope she doesn't end up having to endure what I'm going through. It's hands down the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

I live in fear every time I go to the washroom, that there will be loads of blood, or that my water will break. The only part of this pregnancy that I enjoy, is feeling her move, when the movements don't cause contractions. Other than that, I am having a really hard time loving it. I know there are women out there, who would do anything to be in my shoes, and I know being pregnant is an incredible gift, but it can be so depressing, when day after day, you sit here in fear. Part of me hopes she comes tonight, so she can be out and safe, and we don't have to worry about the iugr getting worse, or cord flow going absent/reversed, or any of that. They all tell me that she will be fine if she's born now. The other part of me wants her to stay in until the "end" which is only 4.5 weeks away. 35 weeks, it's really not so far away. I've been on bed rest for 8 weeks, I'm two thirds of the way there.

I don't get to call the shots on this one. She does, she's already in charge.

I am missing putting Jakob to bed at the moment. He's probably already been fed, he's gone to the potty (blessed boy even went the WHOLE NIGHT staying dry, twice this week!), had a bath, and is probably guzzling his milk bottle. I'm sitting here, with my funky water jug, two kiwis in a brown bag waiting to ripen, typing away on my computer feeling utterly useless. I know what I'm doing, being here, is something, but it doesn't seem like enough.

I know when I see this sweet little girl, I will love her, but for now it is exceedingly difficult to wrap my head around the concept. I wanted this baby, I didn't want to wait. My body is the reason I'm here, and I am the reason I can't be with my little boy every night. It's not Ellie's fault, she didn't ask for any of this. I know Jakob doesn't like it. We haven't lived our normal life in over 8 weeks. I've been away from our routine, from being his primary care provider for 7% of his LIFE.

My mom called this afternoon, when she got home from Ladner, just to chat. She told me Jakob had a hard time being left with Jason. He wanted either Mormor (my mom) or Grandma, not Daddy. :( It tears me apart that the only people he feels happy staying with, the ones that have been consistent with him, are the grandparents. I feel like I'm failing him. He shouldn't cry because he misses me...

Ah, hospital mood swings. Mornings are great, evenings are shitty. I long for June, when all of this, the pregnancy, NICU stay, all of that, is over. I cannot wait to be home again with my family.