Writing

I'm dealing with a niggling writer's block. I know it won't last long, but I'm having a hard time getting around it, and there's nothing more frustrating to me than not being able to spill the words in my head.

Why do people write blogs? Why do people read them? How did the online world become so much a part of some of our lives, and not at all part of the lives of others? What would I do without the internet? Am I addicted? What are my reasons for having a FB page, a blog, participating in online forums?

I have been blogging since 2007. Before that, I wrote diaries. I filled books upon books with words. I can sit down with a pen, and some paper, and shut off the thinking part, and just let my subconscious out. There are often times where I read what I've written, and I can't believe that I actually wrote that. As part of a therapy session, long ago, I was encouraged to grab a piece of paper, and write down everything that popped into my head. I did this a lot, and usually kept them to myself, except for the times where I would inadvertently start doodling in public, at a restaurant, out a a bar, wherever, and people would take notice.

 

I started blogging, I can't even remember when, other than Blogger tells me I've had my account since 2007. I kept a blog of our wedding planning, of my pregnancy with J, of his first years, up until I got pregnant with E, started having complications, and decided that I should start a blog dedicated to that (here we are!)

I love to write, I long to write, I need to write. I also really like the idea of writing to someone, and when I write, I generally imagine myself writing to someone I will never meet, someone who will judge me based solely on the content of my posts. In the past, I've written about a vast number of things, and I always worried that people I knew, in real life, would think I was crazy for the things I write. Writing is my therapy.

Since E, I started reading more blogs. I followed some when I was on bedrest, because there were other women going though exactly the same thing as me! It was amazing to read posts from other mothers, and know that I wasn't alone, and more importantly, I wasn't crazy for feeling what I felt! I love my friends, I love my family, but no one I know in real life had been through anything like I was going through. 

I really write this blog, now, to keep a record of everything we're going through, to share with friends, and now I guess family too, what is happening in our lives. More so, I write to hopefully inspire others to believe in the potential of all children. I write to make people laugh, to see the bright side of things when situations are bleak. I write to show people how strong you can be, when you don't have a choice. I write to motivate change in people, to grow love in people, to make a difference. If I can help just one person through my writing, if I can help them see the beauty in their lives, the gift of every day, then I feel like I am justified in writing and posting for whomever to read.

There are people who don't understand. They don't understand why anyone would want to read about some stranger's life. My husband asked me the other day "Who would read your blog?" I told him there were several PWS families who follow us, and hospital friends, NICU and ICU friends, bed rest mamas... He admitted to never having thought about it. He was surprised when I told him there were blogs that I follow. DH is not even remotely active online. No FB, no twitter, no anything! He, like many others, doesn't understand the need to connect to others going through the same thing. It's entirely possible they think the online world is full of make believe and peg-legged perverts posing as teenage boys. (For the record, when we were first chatting online, on myspace.com some 7 years ago, he actually wrote "Well, how do I know you're not some peg-legged, bingo playing pervert trying to seduce me?"... HE said that!)

At the hospital today, another mom, who's been there for about a month, stopped to chat with me. She said "I just want to give you a big hug for everything you've been through, I don't know how you manage". It struck me as an odd thing to say. People ask all the time how we deal with everything, how we are so strong. We just are. You would be too, if you were in an impossible situation. I don't have a choice, but to be strong for my daughter. I wish people would stop asking! No one asks the parents of a newborn how they're coping with not sleeping, no one would say "I have no idea how you can live with no sleep". They just do!

 I don't feel badly for our situation, sure it would be delightful to be home, but I would NEVER change Ellie. She is perfect in my eyes, and so very full of potential. People will always talk about others behind their backs, but I hope that people talk positively about us. Ellie is here to amaze people, and in turn makes us amazing. I've been told so many times that I'm strong, and amazing. I am humbled, I'm not trying to impress, I'm just doing my thing.

This blog isn't about getting an "atta-girl" response. I could care less (no offense to those of you reading) if no one read this. It's a big awkward knowing people do read it. 

I love the internet. I love social media. I love being able to connect with friends who live around the world, who I can't see every day. For someone who isn't involved at all, it would be hard, I imagine, to understand just how personal online friendships can be. I cried when my friends dog died yesterday, I rejoice in friends having babies, in getting new jobs, in loving life. Without leaving my little girl`s hospital room, I can connect with friends, catch up on what`s new with people, I can be a friend without actually being there. DH works with computers every day, and has no interest in online life, although we met online. He does understand that it's important to me, and he lets me have my internet time, while he gets his man time.

If I didn't have the internet, I would be an awful friend. I don`t have time to see people regularly. How can I? I practically live in this hospital. It's amazing how inclusive mama groups can be. I participate in several, and it's such an incredible relief to have somewhere to go to vent about whatever, from relationships, to baby questions, you name it! I can guarantee that the majority of my real life friends don't want to know about the consistency of E's poops, breastfeeding issues, or post-partum hair loss. 

I might spend more time online than the average person. I also likely share more than the average person, but that's because I lead a life less ordinary. I have spent most of the past five days, in an isolation room with a little girl who can't talk, who sleeps almost all day, and with few people who actually come to speak to me. If I didn't have an outlet like this, I would feel so very alone.