9:45pm

I left the hospital this evening at 6:00pm. I packed up my laptop, pulled the charger from the socket, put on my coat and shoes, and kissed my baby girl goodnight. She knew I was leaving, she always knows. She looked at me with her crystal blue eyes, and "mum-mum'd" at me. I tried to smile at her, my mouth was doing the motions, but try as I did, I couldn't get the smile to reach my eyes, because they were full of tears.

I knew I wouldn't be going back tonight, I wouldn't be there for her in the night when she cried, like she cried for so many hours last night. I kissed her, told her I loved her, turned on the tv for her, since she's all alone, and I walked out of the room. I made it to the nursing station, to tell them I was going home for the night. The nurse there told me I looked frazzled, that I didn't have to worry about E, that I should go home and sleep. I caught my reflection in the glass of a door. Frazzled was a compliment.

As I left the unit, my eyes started burning, and I started to hyperventilate. I think the reality of everything finally hit, and I wasn't expecting it. It's as though I was in denial, slow in processing what happened on Monday. By the time I reached the main hallway, my cheeks were tear stained. I managed to pull myself together, until I reached the car park, and when I was in the privacy of my car, I had a big, huge, ugly cry. I was utterly hopeless in pulling myself together, and had to ride it out, until I was drained of tears, and my stomach muscles hurt from the exertion.

I dried my eyes, brushed my hair, smiled at myself in the rearview mirror, and drove home.

I wasn't in the mood to go out this evening, all I wanted was to snuggle Jakob, and to go to sleep. I got a hug, just as they were heading out for dinner. I called my mom, and had a glass of wine before having a hot shower. Feeling infinitely better, I put on my comfy pijamas, and crawled into bed to read a few chapters of my book.

When the boys came home, I had my special time with J. He was so happy that I was home this evening, it made me feel less guilty for leaving a sick little E all by her lonesome. In the past five days since I've been really "here" (as in present fully in the situation), J's speech, which is already very advanced, has exploded! I am constantly amazed by his level of communication, his manners, his kind nature. A few giggles from him, and I was finally feeling a bit less drained.

We read some stories, and snuggled before he went to bed. Now, I'm also ready for bed, and hope I won't have nightmares. I hope my little girl doesn't miss me as much as I think she will, and I hope whomever her nurse tonight is pays extra attention to her. 

Tomorrow is another day, another day closer to going home again, another day to feel a little bit better.

Day by day...