Must not compare...

Sometimes I wonder how much people really want to know about our lives. I just spent the past hour reading a debate over whether people like or dislike Kelle Hampton. I love her photos, but her constant "positive only" posts have a tendency to make me feel like a bit of a crappy mom.

The thing is, I know I'm a fantastic mom. I don't need anyone to validate me, to tell me I'm doing a good job.

I know I am.

The proof is in the pudding; look at my babies. Jakob is three years old. He willingly spends hours upon hours playing at the hospital, making his sister giggle, forgoing nap-time to spend time with his Ellie. At the end of the day, when I'm exhausted, run down, and feeling sorry about our situation, and lacking patience with him, when he is hungry, overtired and bored, there are times when I crumble, and I raise my voice. He looks at me with his big blue eyes and says "I'm sorry, Mommy, I won't do that anymore, I'll be a good boy, because I love you". And, with that, I find renewed patience, renewed strength, and I know that I will always do right by him, and by Ellie. He is confident, he knows how much I love him, and in turn he loves. The boy has such a big heart, it makes mine want to explode.

I digress.

Having read a fair bit of KH's blog, I wonder if maybe I should only post the positives. I know that my mother, whom I love very much, cares very much about what other people think. She would rather we keep all the details of Ellie's complications, health issues and delays within the family, and only present a very staged, "perfect as can be" image to the rest of the world. Somewhere along the lines, I started caring less about what others think, and more about what I, myself, think.

My blog is a record, for Ellie and I (and the boys, if they care). I want it to be real.


I don't want to cannot put on a brave face every day, and make people think that I live a perfect, stress-free life. My life isn't perfect. No one's life is perfect. If that's all I kept record of, I would be lying.

Jason and I are doing our best on this crazy roller-coaster ride. So, I include the good, the bad, and the ugly. You all know we've been through our fair share of the bad and the ugly, perhaps even more than our fair share. But, you know, that's alright. I would much rather be the one to deal with the messy parts, heaven knows I would never wish anything like this on anyone.

I am strong enough to deal with what life is giving us, and I'm not going to pretend our struggles don't exist. I wake up every morning, thankful that this is my life, and not someone else's.

I will never be a Kelle Hampton, I don't have time to make myself look perfect for every picture, I don't always have a camera with me, and I can't throw amazing parties like she can, or focus almost only on the good. She's so lucky her daughter isn't severely affect with DS, and I understand her trying to make her blog about more than just her daughter's disability.

I want that sentiment to show up in my blog, to write like Ellie's disability does not define her, or us. But, it sure has given us a beating this year, and it shows. Honestly, I am completely jealous that KH has time to do it all, and that she manages to still look amazing. Jealousy sucks.

I have to remember, I don't compare my children to others, and I shouldn't compare myself to others either. Especially if it makes me feel poorly about myself. We're all on our own journeys, we are all different, and we all deal with things in our own way. Must not compare.

So, I'm just going to keep writing about our ups and downs. The fact that we've been in the ICU for 51 days and counting this time, only makes Ellie's personal triumphs all the sweeter.