Monday, February 20, 2012

I have been staring at my keyboard for a long time, unsure of what to write. There are a thousand words spining around in my head, and I am having a hard time making sense of them.

We have been, as you know, in the process of getting our house ready to sell. This set of days off meant huge changes in our living space, and the more we do, the less I want to leave. I would love, LOVE to have our own yard, and the freedom to let my children out, knowing they are safe. But, is that all it really comes down to? A yard? We have all the space we need, the kitchen works so well, especially since my laundry room has a door on it that can lock, if that becomes our reality. We have a row of cupboards above our hot water tank, utility sink, washer and dryer, which could so easily serve as a pantry, if need be. There is also a pocket door shutting off the kitchen from the rest of the house.

Our bedrooms are huge, especially when compared with what we saw this week at the open houses we attended. I love our bedroom (I'm sorry I keep forgetting the photos... one of these days! My energy is lacking.) I love having a dressing area, a chair to snuggle into, by the window, where I can read,and watch the squirrels, the birds, the wind blowing through the trees. I can close the door to my room, and get lost in my own world, if only for a couple precious hours in the evening, or early mornings when Jason wakes with Jakob, and takes him downstairs for father-son bonding over cereal, and retro cartoons. My time is special, my time is important. It allows me the opportunity to regroup, to sort my thoughts, to find peace in the turmoil that catches me unaware.

Another change I love in the house, is the repurposing of our "den", the open space at the top of our stairs, between our room and the children's rooms. We moved our big, comfy couch up there, gathered all our books from all over the house and placed them on the bookshelf. Our entire bookshelf is full. I have read all but a handful, which were Jason's textbooks from school. Reading is one of my favourite passtimes, yet time to read is hard to find. I have some ideas for decorating the walls, and I need a floor lamp.

Today, I had both my babies on my lap, as we read half a dozen books. Jakob loves stories, his imagination is unbelievable, and he will happily make up stories on a whim. They are so entertaining, it makes my heart smile. Ellie, she loves to be read to. She listens intently to every word, eyes flitting between the illustrations, and my face. Moments like this, where I can keep them both enthralled, both yearing for just one more story, they are moments I hope I can always recreate. I long for the day Ellie is home again, and we can spend lazy afternoons heaped on the couch, with Jakob, reading, and storytelling.

I like how it feels to sit in a different spot in the house. Presently, I'm sitting in the living room, in a chair by the sliding doors, beside our fireplace. We've never had seating here before, and the point of view is nice. From here, I can watch Jason's face as he concentrates on his hockey video game, I can see all our photos on the walls, my beautiful tulips blooming, the tea set that reminds me of my grandmother. From here, I feel a slight draft, a hint of a breeze coming from the fireplace vents. I can see down the hallway, and almost into the kitchen. This really is home, I will be sad to leave it.

I have never been one to embrace change. I dislike surprises, I thrive on predictability, on stability, on routine. Yet, this year has shown me how little I can really control, and how I can rise to the occasion, how I can handle so much more than I ever thought. Ellie and I have now spent a collective 146 days in hospital, most of which were completely out of our control. I couldn't control anything while on bedrest, couldn't look after Jakob, couldn't look after the house, I relied completely on the grace of my husband, the love of my parents, the benevolence of friends, and friends of friends.

I have learned so much this year, especially that change is inevitable. We face the biggest changes of our lives with Ellie, but we are ready, willing, and completely prepared to embrace the changes we need to make, always remembering to hold fast hope.

Tomorrow will be a good day.
Good night <3

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