I'm so tired. Physically exhausted, and mentally drained. I think I read too much into everything, but honestly, when I think about it, I have a really bad feeling about how this is all going to work out.
It's almost impossible to find any useful information on Dr.Google. I was looking for a chart to convert weight and growth percentiles to actual measurements. I know that Ellie was measuring 23w3-4d yesterday, and her weight was in the 4th percentile.
In my head, all I can think of is what that pediatrician said. Babies born over 750grams do a lot better than babies who are born weighing less than that. According to one calculator, the 4th percentile, at 25 weeks is almost 450grams. According to another, it's 627 grams. That's a huge difference. I think I should really take a pad and pencil with me next appointment so that I can write all this down!
According to one website: Due to many recent advances, more than 90% of premature babies who weigh 800 grams or more (a little less than 2 pounds) survive. Those who weigh more than 500 grams (a little more than 1 pound) have a more than 60% chance of survival, although their chances of complications are greater.
No wonder the mfm yesterday was talking about E not having reached viability. Sure, her lungs and brains are (hopefully, probably) more developed than a 24 weeker, but the rest of her is too small to even stand a chance.
I feel sick to my stomach thinking about it. People keep asking me how I'm doing, you know, mentally. I'm a fucking disaster. Of course, I don't say that. I say I'm doing the best I can (which I am) and whatever happens, happens. I'm not bonding with my baby, I refuse to do anything in her nursery. I won't finish her bedding, I don't want to paint, I don't want to buy clothes, or accessories, or anything else, until she's OUT and she's fighting. I just don't think I can handle it. As it is, every time I walk by her room - which at the moment is overflowing with her brother's outgrown baby clothes- I want to cry.
So, how long is it going to take her to gain that weight?! HOW LONG? Will she gain it before the flow from her to me stops?
For the record, perinatology.com is a good resource.
http://www.baby2see.com/medical/charts.html is a little confusing, and gives lower scores.
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