My time, my time, when I can eek a little out in a day, is spent in the shower. I could be in there forever, thinking, dreaming, staring into space like a zombie, while hot water falls on my head. We have a corner shower, with glass walls and door. When the steam fogs up the glass, it makes a wonderful place to draw, write lists, doodle, erase and repeat. I do my best thinking in the shower, uninterrupted, it isn't quiet, so the thoughts aren't overwhelming. I love my showers.
Since Ellie has been back in the hospital, now 22 days and counting, I have added a step to my routine. When I'm dry, and dressed, I spend five minutes to make myself look nice. I dry my hair, put in my contact lenses, put on mascara, eyeliner, neutral eyeshadow, and I'm done. Five minutes to show the world that I appreciate myself, I appreciate the time I get, and I'm not wasting precious minutes with my little doll. People find me much more approachable when I actually put effort into my appearance. It's amazing, on the days where I don't try, where I show up at the hospital with my hair in a bun, my glasses on, bags under my eyes, they leave me alone. And, alone isn't where I want to be.
It's incredible how I feel when I put the effort in, how much better my outlook is on the day. And so, I resolve to try every day. For myself.
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The other day, I noticed that one of Ellie's blankets was on someone else's bed. The same day, I noticed that Ellie's baby seahorse was on a different person's bed. My bad for not labeling her items, but it was a total wake-up call to me. Of course, if these items ended up in general circulation, they would be chosen first. Soft, cuddly blankets trump scratchy, over-washed blankets any day. As do new toys, with fresh batteries, that don't come from the 80's (and I mean that quite literally, the toy room in our ICU is stocked with toys from my generation!)
I make an effort to bring in clothes for Ellie, from home, so she doesn't have to wear the hospital clothes. Clothes donated long enough ago to have lost the soft feel of cotton, and have taken on a very starched, sad, and faded appearance. What happens to the babies whose parents come from far away, who don't have a bunch of clothes to provide? They get the hospital stock. It made me sad. So, we went through all our clothes at home, at Grandma's, at Mormor's, and we donated four huge bags of baby girl clothes.
The toy situation also made me sad, so we went through all of Jakob's toys, and he chose a bunch to donate. When we brought those in, the nurses told us it felt like Christmas. What good were they serving us at home, collecting dust, when they could bring joy, to kids who need a lift, now?
This morning, I finally brought down my bolts of minky fabric, from the top shelf in my sewing space, and made 16 blankets for the ICU. I have no plans of returning to SusieCues any time soon, and babies need better than worn-out flannel. Jakob helped me pile them together, and we tied them with a bow. We're heading in to the hospital now, to drop those off.
I am not Wonder Woman, I'm not trying to impress anyone, I'm just doing what I have to do. If you saw a very real need, and were able to do something to fix it, wouldn't you?
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