I knew this morning, that Jason would be home early from work, and so I planned to spend the morning with Jakob, anticipating that the three of us would go see Ellie in the afternoon.
Jake and I had a lazy morning. He woke up just past eight, and came into my room. I tell him every morning, and I mean it with all my heart, my favourite time of day is when we snuggle in bed. We played "tent", where I prop up the comforter, and he pretends he's camping. He brought all his stuffed friends over, we told stories, and made up games. He doesn't really like to snuggle any more, but he does like to lie around, and so we played until almost ten. When our stomachs started to rumble, we headed downstairs for breakfast.
I made pancake cupcakes (pancake batter in the cupcake maker), with blueberry syrup. Jakob ate his breakfast, while I puttered around the kitchen rearranging appliances, clearing out bottles, and tidying up. I got rid of all my Snappies bottles, and felt sad that my breastfeeding/pumping days are behind me. I noticed the two cases of formula in the laundry room, and made a note to remember to drop them at the food bank. They will expire before Ellie comes home, and the hospital provides her formula.
Not wanting to feel sorry for myself, I decided today was as good a day as any to get some crafting done. Jakob and I made an extra Santa hand ornament for Great-Grandpa. Then, we moved on to playing with the goopy, fascinating mixture of corn starch and water (1c cornstarch, 1/2 c water). We played with that for a good hour, before it started drying out, and Jakob was ready to move on. We cleaned up, I made myself a cup of tea, and then we decided that we would put together Ellie's quilt.
I remember piecing together the different fabrics that I loved from past projects, but I never found the time to actually sew them. Knowing that Jakob wouldn't have the patience to sit around and wait for me to do it properly (ironing and pinning), I just threw it all together. I love the way it turned out, and if I could keep track of my camera - which I think is at my parents' place - I would take pictures. I serged lime green minky to the back, and took it with me to the hospital. It looks so great on Ellie's crib, and I think she likes the different patterns.
When Jason got home from work, I made lunch. Nothing fancy, just pasta with homemade pesto sauce, bacon and tomatoes. I had never made pesto before, it's soooo easy! Two cloves of garlic, pulsed in a food processor. Then you add half a cup of parmesan, 1/4 cup sunflower seeds (you can use pine nuts instead), 2 cups of basil leaves, and two tablespoons of olive oil. Blend until it's the right consistency for you, and either use it right away or store it in the fridge with a thin layer of olive oil on top so it doesn't discolor! Easy peasy!
After lunch, we went to the hospital. Little lady was wide awake when we got there, and her eyes lit up when she saw me. She'd had a great morning with my mom, and had a long nap, so she was ready to play. We snuggled her, and she was full of smiles and giggles. She's definitely gaining weight, and I am so eager for her growth check next week.
We went for a walk up to the third floor, Canucks playroom. Jakob loves it there, and Ellie was so happy to be off the ward. She started fussing after about half an hour, so I left the boys to play, and the two of us went back downstairs. It's funny how some moments solidify themselves as memories you can recall with the utmost clarity. Walking down the hallway with her was one of those moments. We walked slowly down the hallway, admiring the stars on the walls, the mirror in the corner, the spots on the floor. She clung to my shirt with both hands, snuggled in as closely as she could to my bosom, rubbing her nose against my shirt. She giggled, the most beautiful sounds you could imagine. For a brief moment, it was just the two of us, in our own world, just a mother and her daughter, and nothing but love and light. It was a beautiful, tiny little moment that meant the world to me.
We got back to the ward, and I put Ellie down for a little nap. I started coloring a puzzle for Jakob, but mimicking the patterns in Ellie's quilt. I was almost done when the boys came back, and it was time for Ellie's feed. She was sleepy for her feed, but still had no problem finishing within twenty minutes. She has progressed so well with her feeding, I am certain she won't need a g-tube, and I will make sure the doctors listen to our wishes for her to prove she can feed without one if she needs a tracheostomy.
Jakob watched a movie, and Grandpa, and big-Papa came by for a little visit. After they left, it was time for us to leave as well, and Ellie effectively broke my heart. I had her all tucked in, with her baby doll nestled in under her arm. Her little seahorse was playing its lovely tunes, and she was calm. I gave her a snuggle, and told her I loved her, gave her a kiss, and went to leave. I looked back, and she was crying. She wasn't making noise, but she was crying, tiny little cries. I went back to her, and she lit up. She smiled the biggest smile I've ever seen. I snuggled her a little more, and told her I didn't want to go, but I had to. I kissed her a thousand times, and backed away slowly. She cried, again, pleading with those massive blue eyes, for me not to leave her. It was devastating.
The three of us went to have dinner with my mom, my brother and his girlfriend. After dinner, we went to the community arena, for a public skate. It was our first skate of the season, and so much fun. It felt amazing to race around the ice, and to see the joy on Jakob's face, at finally being able to "play" hockey. He didn't realize how difficult skating would be, but we promised him lessons, so I will look into that this week.
It's been a long, emotionally charged day, but a great Saturday. I am grateful for the moments. What is life, but for a collection of moments?
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