She Will Amaze You

I don't know what's wrong with me today, I just feel sad.

Yesterday, I reconnected with a friend I made at the beginning of my pregnancy complications. Her twins were born a week before Ellie, and one of them had a bunch of problems. For some reason, I thought they had gone home, but when I saw they were having a Helping Hearts photo session at the hospital, and got in touch with her, I found out they've never been home. Never.

She has one healthy baby, and one baby who has had to face a huge host of health problems. Nine months and counting, she is an amazing, incredible mother. I thought about them often, walking in to see Ellie, thought about how the twins were doing, how she was doing. I feel awful knowing that she was still right behind those NICU walls, still living the life of a NICU parent, and I wasn't around to offer support. I couldn't imagine being miles from home, with no family here, no real support, and being stuck in hospital, seemingly forever. There's no way I could have known, but I have guilt that I wasn't a better friend.

I am sad that my mom has gone home. Very, very sad. My mother has been the single most incredible support person in this journey. She would take Jakob, often, and when she didn't have him, she would go see Ellie. Even though it's only 8 weeks until she is back again, I already feel lonely. I already feel overwhelmed. I don't know how I'm going to manage the back and forth with Jakob every.single.day.

I have a bunch, literally a page full of names, of people who have offered their help. But, they're not family, there's something about my personality that makes asking for help, even from people who are more than willing, even wanting to help, make me feel like a failure. The only time I don't feel like that, is with my mom.

Even when I leave Jakob with Jason, his father, I feel guilty. I must ask a thousand times before I leave them together, if it's okay for me to go be with Ellie.

I just want Ellie to come home. But, I don't want to rush things, I want to be sure her airway is okay, I want to make sure everything is safe for her.