She Will Amaze You

Dear Ellie,

I want you to know how much I miss you. I know you're in the right place, where they have the nurses and doctors you need to look after you. It breaks my heart into a million pieces knowing that I can't do it all myself. It hurts to know strangers are snuggling you throughout the day, throughout the night. They don't sing you your special lullabies, they don't know you like I know you.

Every morning, I wake up aching to see you. When your daddy and Jakob and I eat in the kitchen, I find myself constantly looking for you in your bouncy seat, and being confused when you aren't there. I've woken in the middle of the night, gotten out of bed to comfort you, only to wake up and your crib is empty, and you aren't there.

All I want is to do the best for you. It's so hard, when people know so little about your condition, when they label you and the labels don't fit. How can I make the right decisions when the people I trust to look after you don't even know what is best? I want to do everything in my power to make your life as easy as possible.

I know, right now you're sick, and right now you need to be in the hospital. But, what about your development? What about play time? What about getting fresh air? Babies stop developing in hospitals.

It's only been a week. And yet, it feels like an eternity. Every time I leave you, it's all I can do to make it into the elevator without crying. It feels so wrong to be leaving you behind.

It was different when you were in the NICU. I didn't know what it was like to have you at home. To find you watching me as I puttered around the kitchen, to see you giggling with your brother when I wasn't looking. Your laugh, the way your eyes lit up when you looked at things around the house, the photos, the Christmas tree. And now that you're back there, back behind a glass wall, I miss you more than words could ever say.

I know we will get through this, we will, there's no question. I just wish it didn't have to be so hard. I know you miss us too, and I am so, so grateful that Mormor and Morfar come to see you so often. You've given me a glimpse of how my daddy was with me, and have made me love him even more, if that's even possible.

I can't wait for morning, to get in the car, and get back to you. All I want is to hold you close and pretend that we never have to be apart.

I love you, baby girl. Lullaby You <3