Tuesday, ‎February ‎15, ‎2011

Tuesday, ‎February ‎15, ‎2011
Another day closer. I talked to DH for a really long time last night. My iv site really hurts, and there's so much I want to write.
I am seriously dealing with depression at the moment. It's so hard being stuck in a hospital when J needs me. Yesterday he cried as soon as DH left the hospital with him, and begged for me the whole way home. In the morning (around 4am) he was calling for me from his room, and didn't want to be comforted by DH . He would throw himself on the ground and whimper. He finally decided that Daddy was better than nothing, and snuggled until morning. He asked for me all morning, and was a bit of a handful when he was here. I'm torn. I started stressing when he was here, and it caused the same cramping as yesterday. I just want tomorrow to be okay. Apparently I have an ultrasound tomorrow. The ob (a guy) today checked me again, and said "well, your cervix is short, and thick, but it's about 2cm, and closed". What's the difference between thickness and length?! I don't understand. No word on the peri appointment. I am not so patient at this point. I want my life back.
I'm angry.
Sigh. J made DH call me when they got home, he was upset. The most heartbreaking conversation I have ever had with him. he was half sobbing the whole time, and cried everything he said "I sad, mommy, I SAD", "I MISS *sob* you, Mommy", "I love you *sob*". BRUTAL. He was going to watch Bambi with DH , "BumBEE". Ah, he slays me with cuteness.
My nurse is Theresa again tonight. I really, really like her. I have my ultrasound booked for 1pm tomorrow afternoon, unless I get that appointment with the peri before the weekend. She said Dr.K had been trying to get me in, but that she didn't know what the status was. I told her about beaking cervixes (she asked) and the pointlessness of internal exams, when ultrasound will tell you more. I asked about how I get to Women's... embarrassment of embarrassments, I have to go in an a.m.b.u.l.a.n.c.e. There and back. You have got to be kidding me. But, I am high risk, and they don't want anything to happen while I am going there or back, I am their responsibility. So, whenever that appointment is, they'll cart me over, hopefully tell me that all of this has been an overreaction and that I can be at home again. The thing is, though, that even though the contractions right now don't seem to be changing my cervix any, there is no way I would KNOW if they were, so it's all precaution to be in hospital. I don't know what the peri will say, or if it's their opinion that I should be on hospital bedrest vs. at home antenatal care. I honestly don't know what is better or worse.
My iv has to stay in, incase they want to restart fluids. Effing kills! I want to have a shower, it's been a while, I feel nasty. But, can't do a great job without the proper use of my left hand. Feeling pouty about it.
Theresa gave me toast, at 10:45pm!! FOOOOOOD. Clearly the person who scheduled the meals doesn't know a thing about pregnant women. 15 hours between dinner and breakfast is too long. We had a good baby check, Ellie moved lots, her heartrate was 144bpm. My blood pressure monitor needed to be plugged back in, and T had to move my call bell to get the machine plugged in. She commented that I rarely use the bell. I said I hate having to be waited on, and I really don't like asking for things, unless it's really necessary. I also said there were lots of other people ringing their bells for stuff, I was sure they had enough to do. T said "Those women are able bodied. They've only had a baby, they aren't sick. They are supposed to get up and get moving to help the healing. Some call for one thing, then another thing two minutes later. I don't know why they can't ask for everything all at once. Seriously, one woman was asking for ice packs, the fridge is right outside her door, get it yourself! You on the other hand, are NOT supposed to get out of bed, we like helping you." Ah, :)
Took my sleeping pill, going to go pee, then call DH to talk until I sleep. Another day bites the dust!