I'm sitting here, in my cozy hospital bed, staring at blue walls, going crazy with boredom. I have been here since Wednesday afternoon, around 3:30pm, and at the least anticipate being here until Monday. I definitely wasn't counting on having to spend Valentine's day in a hospital room, alone, away from my sweet husband and little boy. Nope, I definitely didn't see this coming.
This hasn't been an easy pregnancy. That we got pregnant the cycle after an early miscarriage, might have been the cause, but in reality, no one can really tell me why any of this is happening. At five weeks, I started bleeding, a total deja-vu moment to five weeks prior, when I ended up in Delta hospital, being told "My condolenses, you've experienced a completed miscarriage". This time, however, the bleeding stopped, and I had the benefit of high and quick rising beta hemoglobin levels, to reassure me that things were probably going to be okay. After all, only 1% of women experience miscarriage two months in a row. I don't know where I got that fact, it might not even be correct.
At 6 weeks, I started bleeding again, so they let me go for an ultrasound. I ended up having two in a week, and they showed a small, but significant enough to warrant being mentioned SubChorionic Hematoma. That's where the placenta isn't attached properly, according to some, or where there's a bleed somewhere between the uterine wall and the place where the placenta is attached. At 13 weeks, after a bit of an active day, the bleeding started again, and I landed in the er, again, this time in Richmond (where I'm spending my days currently). Nothing happened for a while after that, and in hindsight, I'm ridiculously lucky that nothing happened while we were on vacation (you remember, the vacation to Mexico that I took against the advice of my midwife?). It was stupid to go, but I did really enjoy it, and thank goodness everything was alright.
I actually thought the worst was behind me, when my 19 week scan showed no signs of bleeding. Ellie measured a little small, but everyone I've talked to since has said a 19 week scan really isn't indicative of growth.
Let me get back to Wednesday, and I'll work my way up to today, and what I see happening over the next couple of days.
On Wednesday, I woke up in a foul mood. I was angry the moment I got out of bed, and constantly on Jason's case. Even J was driving me mad, so before I could kill either of them, they took off for the beach to enjoy the sunshine. I focused myself on getting work done. By the time the boys came home, some two hours later, I was still in a bad mood, and decided to take a shower.
I don't know what exactly compelled me to, but I checked my cervical length right before I got ready to run the water. Imagine my surprise, when instead of finding what I expected - a nice long and firm cervix, I found a squishy, open feeling almost undescernable cervix. Trying not to panic, and telling myself I must be crazy, I paged the midwife. The on-call for Wednesday was Courtney, she and I talked on the phone for a bit, and I told her that I'd been having light contractions, that weren't regular, but those combined with what I thought was a strange feeling cervix, gave reason enough for me to get checked out at Richmond's maternity clinic.
[I should put a note in, that I knew my placenta was nowhere near the mouth of my cervix, other wise I probably wouldn't have checked it. But at my last appointment with Jane, she said "it's your cervix, you can do whatever you want, of course you can check it". I don't suggest anyone check their own in pregnancy, but if you do, make super sure you know what you're doing, and make sure your hands are clean!]
Jason dropped me off at the hospital. I honestly thought I'd be in and out in less than an hour, so I told them to go have lunch while they waited for me to be done. I had to go to the er admitting, because regular admitting closed at 3pm, and it was almost 4pm. Once I got my paperwork, I headed upstairs to l&d triage, where I met Courtney. I hadn't met her before, actually my next appointment on February 24th was to be with her. She is so nice. She listened first to Ellie's heartbeat, which was good. Then they did a sterile speculum exam. No different, really, than a pap smear procedure, other than the speculum comes sealed in a sterile pouch, and they use fancy sterile gloves. So, I was lying there, legs spread open, feet in stirrups, staring at the ceiling. It didn't take two minutes, but Courtney said "You were right, your cervix is presenting itself low, it's soft and it looks to be opening". I had really thought that I was just crazy, that I was just making it up... I almost cried. She told me that she needed to talk to the ob about what to do - standard procedure when your no longer classifiable as a low-risk patient.
I called Jason, to come meet me right away with J. They arrived at the same time as the on-call ob, Dr. R, coincidentally the same ob who started my Cervidil induction with J. Dr. R did an internal exam, and found my cervix to be closed and still have some length to it. But, due to the contractions, decided to admit me to the ward overnight, as a purely precautionary measure. She assured me, with conviction, as did the midwife, that I would be going home the following day, after my detailed ultrasound. I was shocked to be told that I had to stay overnight, when it was absolutely the furthest thing from my mind. They started an iv, just saline, to see if that might help ease the contractions, especially if they were caused by dehydration.
I was told to expect a shared room (our insurance can't be billed directly, and I wasn't willing to shell out almost $200 a day for a private room) so I was very pleasantly surprised when I was wheeled into my room (#4, for the record) to discover I was being put in a private room for free. The room isn't anything special. It's clean, the bed is comfortable, and for the first day I had free television! There's a fetal monitor on my right, as well as a blood pressure machine. My belly is too small to get an adequate reading on the fetal monitor, so they've left a doppler in here for the nurses. I should have brought my own, it works a million times better than theirs do! Then, there's a little bedside cabinet for my things, a chair for whoever is visiting, and a sink and mirror. The bathroom is pretty big, it has a sink, toilet and shower. Not too shabby! I remember a room similar to this one when we had to spend the night in the hospital prior to J being born, the chair is horrible to sleep in. The tv is hung almost above the door (on my right) and at such an angle that I can't watch it without getting a crick in my neck. Altogether unpleasant, and not at all worth spending money on. There's nothing worth watching, anyway.
By the time we were settled, I was wiped, and starving. J went home with my mother-in-law, and Jason went out to buy us dinner, since the meal times here are early (730am, 12pm, 4:45pm). He stayed until about 10pm, then went home to prepare for the next day. I had my blood pressure checked a bunch of times, peed in a cup, gave blood samples, and settled down for the night. The nurses checked in sporadically to do heartrate checks, and blood pressure checks. I slept like a baby until morning, when I was woken up by the ob around 7am. She did another internal check, and said it still felt ok, not great, but ok.
Breakfast came at 7:30, it left a lot to be desired. As did lunch, and dinner... and all of today's meals.
I hung out at the hospital waiting for my ultrasound, being told by the nurses that i might as well stay until my appointment time, since there was little point in going home, only to come back again a few hours later. until then the contractions had settled. As luck would have it, literally an hour before the ultrasound, they started again. Argh!
The boys came for a short visit around lunch, J wasn't happy to see me here, all plugged into machines. I don't blame him, I don't like it either!!
So, I can't remember what time, a porter came to wheel me to the imaging centre. My technician was nice, and took her time getting all the measurements. She didn't tell me ANYTHING. I know she looked at the baby, the placenta, the cord. She also did my favourite (yeah, right!) type of scan using the aptly named Dildo-Cam. I was wheeled upstairs to wait for the results of the report. She did give me two pictures, which have been a tremendous motivation for me.
My MIL was with J, waiting to pick me up, when I was done. An hour went by, then two, then three, as I twiddled my thumbs. I told the tv order people I didn't need tv "I'm going home in an hour anyway". Famous last words... My nurse popped her head into the room around 5:30pm, and told me my cervix measured 2.5-2.8cm and that was short for my gestation, and I had to stay another night. She said they didn't have any other information than that, and that maybe the radiologist was going to compile a better report for them later. Who knows!
MIL and J came to visit me with food, around 8pm. They stayed about an hour, and brought me a few movies and a dvd player. I slept horribly, with cramps all night long that woke me up. If it wasn't the cramping, then it was the Codes being called over the speaker which made me nervous for the people involved.
My mom called me in the middle of the night, which was amazing, I was so happy to talk to her. After that, I played a round of Yahtzee, at 3am, then fell back asleep.
Breakfast was this morning, at 745am. I got the option of choosing tomorrow's menu!
Still cramping, but no other tests, the ob on call today said i get to spend the weekend here, and have another ultrasound of my cervix on Monday. Jason came to see me on his way to work, and brought in the laptop, thank goodness. Now, if only i could get the internet, i would be golden. But, it looks like the only place that has the internet is the library. Since I'm on BED REST that is not going to happen. What I wouldn't give to be connected to a bedrest support board.
I am going to ask the next time the nurse is in, to see if they have anything. Ah, I hope they do. that would be a million times better than sitting here writing to myself.
At this point, I don't know what to make of the contractions. They're definitely not regular. They feel like gas pains, but I don't have gas, and I've been regular with my bowels, although I've been told to expect them to take a beating with the resting.
I need a shower! I stink so badly. I'm expecting J and Kim, and also Beth this evening, so I might as well make myself presentable. Ah, infinitely better. And actually, the contractions didn't seem to get any worse while I was in there, so that's a good thing. Might I just add, that having a webcam aids incredibly in getting oneself presentable when one cannot stand in front of a mirror! Thank you technology.
So, where was I? Hmmm...
Right, back to the ob. Dr. ?? whose name I didn't even remember two seconds after she introduced herself, said that she was going to contact a Maternal Fetal Medicine specialist at BC Women's. Apparently there's some sort of progesterone treatment that's being studied for its effect on preventing pre-term labour. As I am still so very early, and don't wish to go into labour for at least, please, at least another month or so, I'm all about trying out these shots. I know there are some moms on the fertilityfriend boards who are on them, seems like a more common treatment in the USA. I believe they're called 17p shots. I could be completely wrong. It was a long time ago that she mentioned it, I find that all I do all day long is wait. It's going to be a really long pregnancy if I have to sit here for the whole time, but it's worth it. Ellie has to be worth it.
No idea why they won't (or can't?) do the ultrasound tomorrow to see what my cervical length is. Maybe they want to give it the benefit of a few days of rest before they test it again. Id on't know how dynamic an organ it is, or if it can regain what it was short. Maybe? If I had the internet, I could look it up. I am pretty sure, that by this point I've racked up quite the substantial telephone bill, with all my online researching. I would be very happy to pay for the internet here, but somehow I think it's not going to happen, sadly. I MIGHT be able to get a mobile internet stick, but really, for what might be two or three more days in here, I don't think it's really worth the investment. I don't think it's something you can do on a pay-as-you-go type of plan, and when am I going to need it other than while I'm here? I might as well just suck it up.
I wish I had a dictionary with me (or the internet!) so that I could look up some of the terms they used when describing things. I want to know what an irritable uterus is, and what the deal is if it's combined with a more dynamic than usual cervix. I also want to look more into the concept of viability, and figure out the dates a little more clearly. Courtney used the term "morbidity" I don't know what that means, exactly. I'd like to know. "Long term morbidity rates..." She totally lost me on that.
For now, I'll copy the viability information from my scrapped Yahtzee scorecard.
*Completed weeks of pregnancy, and corresponding chance of survival (viability)
23 (22w0-22w6) 10-35%
24 (23w0-23w6) 40-70%
25 (24 w0-24w6) 50-80%
26 (25w0-25w6) 80-90%
27 (26w0-26w6) 90%
30 (29w0-29w6) 95%
34 (33w0-33w6) 98%
Tomorrow I wake up to my 24th week. 40-70% chance of viability. Not exactly great odds. I'm curious to know why there are such ranges. This week, 4-7 babies out of 10 born will survive (this doesn't take into consideration any of the many possible life complications the baby may suffer from being born so early) Next week, 5-8 babies out of 10 born will survive. Still not great. It still means there's a huge chance something might go horribly wrong. By the 26th week, well, the odds improve a lot, and by 27 weeks, they're even better. BUT, so many things come into play. Baby's size at birth, whether or not the mother was given steroid treatments for the baby. A whole lot.
It's hard. And all I want is to go home, and love my husband, snuggle my son and eat all the good food I can stuff into my face. But, here I get to sit, without anyone checking me, no one monitors my contractions (probably because they wouldn't do anything if she were born).
So depressing, just sitting here. At least I have writing as an outlet. I should have ordered the tv service, but it's $17 a day!! With absolutely NO guarantee that there will be anything good to watch. Sorry, but weekend television programming sucks. I'm just not interested in anything they have to offer. I also don't fancy spending that much money ($60 for three days) to watch a couple hours of lame tv. Jason brought me a bounty of dvd's, and 12 discs worth of Family Guy, plus a book, and two movies. I'm pretty much set. I think it's going to be a lot more comfortable watching my laptop than the tv anyway, you should see how stupid the angle is from my bed to the tv!! Clearly this room wasn't designed for someone who is going to be here long-term.
I still can't believe I'm going to be here until MONDAY. Monday! That's three nights away. Three nights away from my family. I just hope that I feel better, my cervix looks good on Monday, and they send me home with their blessings.
Beth came over today at 4:45 and stayed until 6. It was so nice to have a visitor, a very welcomed distraction. I was even treated to a magazine and a real coffee, such a nice treat.
My hep-lock hasn't been flushed today and it's killing me. I have to ask the nurse next time she's in to flush it out for me. I have to pee, but I don't want to get up because I don't want to miss the nurse, and I was just up a couple minutes ago... Say hello to my friend:
I'm waiting on a visit from MIL and J. I miss J like crazy, seriously like crazy. My poor little munchkin really doesn't understand why I have to be here. I hope it doesn't mess him up that I'm here.
I've been keeping my door open, for some fresh air and a change of scenery. The nurse told me that when Jason's here next, he can take me for a walk in the wheelchair. I think I might take my laptop with me, if I can find the library, which I actually think is beside the admitting area. If I'm allowed, I might be able to fire off some emails to people, and get that done before he has to leave again. I'll need to ask what time the library is open, and if I'm allowed to go down there in the wheelchair WITH the laptop. I hope.
It's only my third night here, third day of bedrest and already I'm going stir crazy. It's easy to get cabin fever when you're stuck in a little room with no view. I have windows, they run the width of the room, but I don't really have the greatest view. I peeked out there earlier, and it looks onto another tower full of old and sick people. I'm not sick. I'm just in a delicate condition. I don't really want to look at people who are sick and dying, it's too depressing. If I'm going to be stuck here, it sure would be good if I tried to keep my spirits up.
Visiting hours are until 8pm, it's almost 7, and MIL's not here yet, so my visit with them is going to be short. I guess that's okay, since J really doesn't like it here, but I wish I could see him. I think I'm going to ask Kim and DH to look into that mobile internet stick. Between them someone should be able to come up with some information for me, because if I had the internet here, I could Skype Mom and Dad, and J. I hate to be repetitive, but it's crazy talking to no one all day, and I like the ability to express myself without actually talking to myself!
This room is lacking a personal feel. I hope that if I have to stay in for a while longer, which I probably won't (since I'm sure my cervix will be fine on Monday) I can get Jay to bring some photos or something. There's nothing to look at. The sign on the door reads
"Your partner is welcome to spend the night at your bedside (on a sorry looking chair which we know from experience is not a fun place to spend the night regardless of the circumstances), but must supply his/her own bedding )sheets, pillow, blanket, etc).
Our linen supply is insufficient to provide for patients and their partners.
Thank you for helping us keep costs under control, and our focus on quality patient care"
Other than that, there are no paintings on the walls, nothing even remotely interesting to look at. I haven't counted the ceiling panels yet, but you know, I probably will at some point before I leave. Beth said this place is really medical looking. I completely agree. That just goes back to my theory that they don't intend for these rooms to be the residing location for a "lady in waiting" as they call me.
I wonder how long they will actually keep me here. If I were to say that my contractions have gone away, would they let me go home? Does that just defeat the whole purpose?
It feels like my heart just got ripped out of my chest. J came to visit me, with Kim and Alex. He brought me flowers. And he told me he loved me, and he misses me and he's not mad at me. I wish he could stay, or I could go home with him. He forgot his truck here, and it's keeping me company.
I hate that I have to be away from him for so long. Poor little guy, he's so sweet, so funny, so everything in my whole world, and I can't help but be just a little bit resentful towards my little baby girl for causing all this fuss. My boy needs his mommy.
Kim and Alex gave me money for three days worth of television. Hopefully they take cash! I think there's some award show on Sunday night, so that will be entertaining, if nothing more than to take my mind off where I am.
I think I'm going to watch a lot of tv before I go to sleep tonight. A lot. And I'm going to think about getting one of those fancy phones so I can go online. I used Kim's bb to turn off my shop so people know where I am when I don't answer them :( Shitty.
Lucky me! I know a nurse here tonight!! LB, we went to Artaban together for years and years. She's so nice, and she was going to be my l&d backup nurse if we had had J at home. She has a little boy named Liam, who is one of the cutest boys I've ever seen. She flushed out my iv lock, and said they're going to replace it tomorrow, or take it out completely, depending on what the doctor wants. It's a good thing to have it in just incase they need to start some sort of drip in case contractions get worse. So far so good, though.
She made me laugh with a joke about how this extended vacation from work was exactly what I wanted, and it's nice to be off work, and not having to do anything. Ah, I'm still able to appreciate the humour. I was lamenting about having to stay longer than they anticipated, and she said sometimes the ones you think will stay the longest end up going home before you know it, and sometimes I happen. The bedrest is no joke, she said that my cervix is "peaking" or funnelling as I think I'm more used to hearing it described. She said it's not a good thing, and to aim for another month at least. The 27-28 week marker is the best chance for the baby to have few complications. 24-26 weekers can do fine, but they have a high risk of further health complications as time goes on. I guess that's what they mean by morbidity? I probably should get into the habit of asking more questions of the obstetricians. I would feel better knowing as much as possible. I wonder why they didn't tell me that it was changing shape as well as shortening? I guess that's why I am here over the weekend. Hopefully it goes back to normal by Monday. I would looooove to go home, but Leslie had a point. At home you can't actually relax. It's impossible. She said that when the topic of bedrest came up with her pregnancy, her husband told her that she either had to be hospitalised, or put up in a hotel, otherwise it just wouldn't work.
Maybe things will settle down. That's what I hope for, then maybe I can have a normal pregnancy? Is it lunacy to wish for that? Hmmm... wonder if I should call it a night, watch a movie and go to sleep. The question is, Dodgeball, Romeo and Juliet or Family Guy? Family Guy is less of a commitment, especially since I didn't sleep well last night. Okay, enough of a novel for today. Good night, sleep tight, see you in the morning <3
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