I am having a hard day today. Jane came in this morning (another patient is in labour) and she visited me. She apologized profusely for not coming earlier, some mix up in communication meant she didn't know I was here.
Ellie is still small, 10th percentile now. my cervix is funneling. My "body is trying very hard to go into labour". \not good. Carla's coming at 1030am, and I put a call in to pastor John, who is adding me to their prayer list, and going to tell the congregation about my situation. He's going to visit me in the hospital, and bring me communion. It's very nice.
Kim's going to check out the library, to see if there are any books on babies and preemies. J's getting a haircut today, then they're coming to see me. Beth is coming again in the afternoon. Have I mentioned how much I love her?
I asked the nurse if eating more would help the baby at all. Nope, it's all the placenta. She will take what she needs, and eating more than that will only make me fat. Fair enough, it was worth asking. Busy day today, lots of ladies in labour. Fun!! I wish I could see the nursery. Today I am going to ask Kim or maybe Beth to wheel me over there. Gaah, the cramping sucks.
I had a break down this morning, I cried for a bit, sobbed for a bit longer. I am okay again. It;s just so hard to be here. And the worst is not knowing that everything is going to be alright. When we get to next weekend, and I\m at Women's, even if I share a room, at least I know it's closer to knowing our outcome. One week....just one week.
Andrea called this morning, then Carla came to visit, then i met with the pediatrician for a long time. she was very informative, and gave me lots of food for thought. I'm going to start steroids on the weekend, and go from there. we'll do what we can to get things right. they have the internet at women's!!!
talked to jay for a long time, then to mom and dad. again the ped came in to talk to me about further blood testing for me (hep b, syphilis and hiv) so that when she's born, Ellie doesn't have to go through that herself. She said no to an amnio, the risk is too high, especially since we wouldn't change a thing if she has some sort of abnormality. I love her no matter what.
pastor John and Erin came by to see me, and shared communion with me. I haven't' been to church in an awfully long time, but it was nice. While they were here, Dr. R, and Jane came in to talk to me. Dr. R admitted me on Wednesday. \she's the one who thought it wasn't necessary for me to stay. she also said that if I can resume light activity, I won't have to go on heparin (blood thinner) to prevent dvt. She wants me to be seen by the maternal fetal medicine specialist at Women's sooner rather than later, like tomorrow. If I can be seen, they'll cancel my ultrasound for tomorrow, since the MFMs like to do lots of scans, and she doesn't want me to worry about something they can't change (like my cervical length) or size - since it's not accurate, and if she's born early, they will worry about her weight when she comes out. Dr. R stressed the importance of making sure that the baby is okay, but also the importance of making sure that *I* am okay, you know, mentally. I have been stressed about work not getting done. If I can go home and get some stuff done, or delegated, then I can be a little more relaxed. Really, I am crampy, but in reality, I have been here for five days, and I am still pregnant, I am not in labour. If I went into labour, I'd just go to Women's.
Jane said I can't be her patient anymore. I am so sad about that. I wish I were normal. So much for all our plans... at least for now. I guess you never really know what is going to happen. You have no idea how much I am looking forward to getting work done, you have NO idea. But, Jane gave me a funny look when she told me it had to be rest at home, not work. Sigh.
I wish I could read my chart!! But, home. I get to go home. Amazing. I am in such a better mood just thinking about getting things done, being with my family. I just hope it works.
Beth came to visit for a couple hours tonight. She brought me a coffee.
So good. Kim's bringing J now, and I am really looking forward to it. I am a little worried about tomorrow. If he sees me at home, and then I come back -that's how a day pass works- he might be even more upset than if I didn't come home at all. But, there are things at home that need attending to. And, maybe I can have a bath, and a shave, and feel human before coming back. Obviously I can't overdo it, but if I am up a little it can't hurt too badly.
One thing I am already missing is the loving I get from my husband. This is by no means the longest I have gone without any, by a long shot (we went 6 weeks after J was born) but the whole thought of not being allowed is enough to instill frustration in even the most patient person. I am scared of the big O, also, because I know for a fact it causes a long and hard contraction. With my cervix already being less than favourable, it's not worth me messing with contractions!
Ugh, I just sneezed and had a crappy contractions.
J came for a nice visit. Should have gotten a picture of his new haircut, it's cute. While we were visiting, Jane popped in to say she'd had an unusual afternoon, and was going home. She looked really upset, I hope nothing bad happened with the lady she had in labour.
I have been feeling good. I am not sure about the cramping though, it was pretty bad when the tylenol wore off. I think at this point, I would probably be just fine at home. But, having J here, acting out for attention, it might be really hard to be at home with him. I wish I knew why the pains get worse at night.
According to the pediatrician today, who came back to clarify a few things, if I went into labor today, we would have the option of trying to save her. Between now and 25 weeks, it's up to the parents, after 25 weeks, it's obligatory that they try.
I am watching the Grammy's, Eminem is quite the attractive man, despite all his issues. I have the receiver up to my belly. Ellie likes the music. She kicks when I take it away. Cute. Ah, the hardest part of all of this, all the thinking about what might happen, is knowing that she's strong as long as she is inside me. She's got a personality, she kicks, she moves, she likes to have her back rubbed. As soon as she's born, all that strength gets stripped away, and she starts having to fight for everything. Her strength will have to come in the form of fighting every little battle. To breathe, to eat, to feel, to hear, just to live.
It's morbid, but on the day I was admitted, back on Monday, when I had to check in to admitting, the main admitting centre was closed, and it was closer to leave the hospital out the West entrance, and re-enter the ER than it was to find my way through the crazy renovations. As I walked outside, the side walk split, between pavers and concrete. I took the pavers, they were memorial bricks. I imagined a brick with Ellie's name on it. Isn't that horrible? My brain is trying to protect me from the shock if it happens. If I think about it as a possibility, it won't be as... I can't think of the right word. They all seem wrong. Debilitating, destructive, crushing, traumatic, it would be all those things, and worse. But, thinking about it, makes me think that I might be able to survive, if she can't. I struggle with reading about infant loss in my books. It's such a sad, sad thought. Of all my gut feelings, that's the one I hope, I pray is wrong. I don't want this all to have been for nothing. The little person inside my belly deserves a chance.
I checked my cervix, I probably shouldn't be messing with it, but since no one has checked,it's nice to know. Still feels long, I think when I checked at home, I didn't do a great job of checking, after the squish, there is a decent indent where it's a bit firmer, although hard to guess. maybe an inch or so? I looked in a book. A lot of cervical length isn't palpable from the inside. No wonder ultrasounds are good. I still don't understand what they mean by peaking... The opening was the same, which I think is a little open, but the same as it always is after having already had a baby. We'll see if they decide to give me a scan tomorrow.
Holy, check out the size difference of the baby! And that's at 28 weeks, I'm only 23w1d (maybe). See what I mean about the cervix, though? How can you tell just by feeling what's going on? It's really hard to measure, but it feels long, definitely not short.
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