She Will Amaze You

Today was a shit day. I was a crappy mom, and nothing went right.

I had a complete meltdown this morning. I got out of bed, forgot to feed Ellie, fell asleep on the couch while Jakob watched five hours of tv. I fed him, remembered LATE to feed Ellie, lay down on the living room floor and cried. I cried for two hours. Jakob kept telling me not to cry, and finally went in to wake up Jason and said "Mommy is crying". In Jason's sleepy state, he thought Jakob said that I was dying, and he flew out of bed thinking that there was something seriously wrong with me.

My appointment with my expensive psychologist is on August 8th, and my urgent appointment with reproductive mental health is who knows when...

I was not okay. Ellie even started crying while I was crying, the weirdest little cry I've ever heard. It almost sounded like she was laughing.

Jason came and sat with me, amid the piles of blankets and crumpled up tissues, and just held my hand while I sobbed and tried to explain what was going on with me. I said a lot of things. A lot of things I didn't mean, but boy do I ever need someone with a degree to talk to me, BADLY.

I managed to finally pull myself together, and we went out. I needed it, I couldn't manage to do it alone. Thank heavens Jason is off tomorrow. I have a list ready for tomorrow. I will follow it to the letter, and I will be fine getting to the time where he wakes up.

I made a good dinner for Jake, and he had a shower and went to bed. He wanted me to read another story, but I told him that I needed some Mommy Alone time, otherwise tomorrow might be another crying day. He told me "Mommy, please, I don't want you to cry. Look at me, I'm a good boy, I want you to be happy. I will sleep so you no cry". I held it together until I left his room, and then I cried some more.

I will never, ever understand how I managed to be so incredibly blessed with that boy. He is miraculously kind, caring, loving. He is everything. I feel like I am failing him.

Thank goodness we're going into the day shift rotation this week, and I have help in the evenings.

Crap, I forgot to feed Ellie again.

Why can't she just cry or fuss, or anything to let me know I forget??